When Your Gay Child Comes Out to You

While hosting my radio show, "Let's Talk With Dr. Gail Gross," I received a phone call from a father who threw his son out of the house when his son came out as gay. The father was crying on the phone, and to get to the heart of the matter, I asked him: “Do you love your son?

The father opened up immediately and said how much his son meant to him and how worried he was that his son was no longer protected on the streets. He told me that the schism in that relationship had left him bereft and broken.

I asked him what his son meant to him and if, in fact, he believed his son could be defined solely by his sexuality. "No, of course not," he said, explaining how wonderful his son was, how many interests they had in common, and how much he missed his son.

I reminded the father that his son was still his child – a part of himself – and that the role of each parent is to accompany his child in the process of individuation. This means that as a child grows into adulthood, that child discovers who they are, as their inner voice and calling evolves into their personality and destiny.

Who we're meant to be

Psychologist Carl Jung described this event as individuation: the fullness of the person we are meant to be - not the person society, or even our parents, want us to be, but the authentic us who live within us. core of our being. . If a person is forced to live a life that is inauthentic and unnatural to their psyche, it kills the individual spirit and challenges the sense of self. However, if a child is allowed to be who they are, supported by their family, then that child has the chance to find their true gifts and grow into a whole, authentic adult.

On the other hand, family rejection lowers our children's self-esteem, and it is from this place of fear, humiliation and shame that a child may turn to drugs, alcohol , prostitution and even suicide. The feeling of being an outcast, of not fitting in and of letting their parents down is a terrible burden for a young person to bear. When a child declares their sexual orientation, the very act carries the unique texture of something difficult and uncomfortable. After all, heterosexual children do not feel the need to declare their sexual orientation.

Accompany your child's journey as his own

Valuing your child's choice to go out, be themselves, and support their path wherever it leads is what parenting is all about. It is the wise parent who recognizes the power and impact of a child's tender struggle and, no matter what, stands up for that child.

Our children are not our replica, nor a reflection of us, but rather their own unique selves. If you can open up to who your child is and love them for it, then this coming out stage, while stressful, can precipitate a much deeper relationship between you and your child. By acknowledging your own humanity, you have a great opportunity to honestly confront your own feelings while listening to your child's deeply emotional challenges. This will allow him to live honestly and find real relationships with himself and with others.

During this process, you must remember to have empathy for each other. The child who comes out is confronted with the full extent of his story and the fear of being rejected, not only by his family but also by his peers. However, if his family supports him, this child can be released. Then all the energy used to suppress who he really is will come back as creative energy so he can more fully live his life as a whole person.

Seek external advice

Counseling and psychotherapy are great tools for you and your child to get through this stage. Counseling can create the supportive environment necessary for the exit process. A good psychotherapist or counselor can answer the questions that concern you. Until sexual orientation is understood, you as a parent may question your relationship and the home environment you fostered. You may mourn the loss of your expectations and the future you have imagined for yourself and your child.

Therapy will help you recognize that by letting go of this conceptual framework, you have the ability to travel with your child into the future of their choosing. Life is a collection of memories, and when we let go of the past, we realize that all we really have are the memories we are creating now in the present.

Further, the groups of are the self that resides within. We cannot be described or defined by our sexual orientation.

Ultimately, by valuing your child and advocating for their choice to come out, you move from a phase of emotional instability into the safe space of a mutual, loving family. By being the kind of parent you can rely on, you legitimize your right as a parent to parent, to always share your feelings and to be the lifelong resource and support of your offspring.

Life is an adventure - take the journey together.

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